What a doctor knows about discussing life and death
It was a hot and humid afternoon when I got the call from my dad Paul.
I was sitting in the school car park with one child, about to pick up another.
As a general practitioner doctor of 40 plus years he cut straight to the point: one of his major arteries was 95 per cent blocked.
He would have surgery in two weeks.
The risks were high; death before the operation, death during the operation or “worse” waking up from the operation with permanent damage from a stroke.
My brain went fuzzy, emotions pricked my eyes but my journalistic brain kicked in and I asked for the facts.
It was a 10-minute conversation and one of many we would have as my dad underwent multiple high-risk operations that year.
During this time we talked about death and dying, life and survival.
These are hard conversations – sometimes painful, confronting, urgent.
They are also topics we have to face as we write about our own lives or help a loved one write their life story.
In this article I sit down with my dad to discuss what tips he has gleaned over a lifetime of medicine on talking to people about death and dying.
Talking about death and dying
So what is the number one consideration when talking to a person who is facing death or is dying?
“Every personality is different,” Dr Paul said.
“If I was going to talk to a quiet and considered person verse an outspoken and lively person I have to find the right plane to go on.”
Dr Paul said he knew from experience different techniques worked with different personalities.
“How you approach them is totally different,” he said.
“If I approached the outspoken person the best thing might be some humour.
“But that could go down like a lead balloon with somebody else.
“Dr Paul said he often knew his patients for years and therefore how to talk to them.
Similarly writers interviewing family and friends for an autobiography or biography will have a grasp on their interviewee’s personality – a huge bonus.
Related article –Life story challenge: The quick and easy way to record a loved one’s biography
Talking to family
Dr Paul said it was also important to consider the personality of a family member when talking to them about the death of a loved one.
He said after someone died you had to “feel your way” to see when was an opportunistic moment to talk about the death.
“Talking to relatives whose partners have died: I don’t think you should go there for a couple of months,” Dr Paul said.
“The first month or so people are still pretty upset.
“But some people want to talk about it straight away.
“For example, one guy I knew … was absolutely devoted to his father and his father died. All he wanted to do was talk about it, how they were so close, what they would be doing today…
“Everybody is different.”
Related article – How to write about painful memoir stories in three simple steps
Road to acceptance
Dr Paul said some people about to die were laid back but others were anxious.
He said some were of the view: “It’s going to happen. It will happen when it happens. It happens to everybody. Whatever it is, it is. Don’t worry about it, that’s ridiculous. I’m just going to talk to my family and friends and enjoy the last few hours or days.”
“Others might be so anxious about it there is no way in the world you can get their anxiety down about it by talking,” Dr Paul said.
He said most people came to terms with death and dying if their condition and time permitted.
“They come to realise that we don’t go on forever,” Dr Paul said.
“And are more settled and adjusted to the fact that the end of the road does come up for everyone.
“We don’t want there to be a day but there will be a day.”
Related article –Lessons learnt: Writing memoirs full of your best life lessons
Final say
When writing your autobiography, memoir or interviewing loved ones for a life-story project it is inevitable the topic of death and dying will be discussed.
Difficult conversations come up and it is helpful to know how to proceed.
Some key points include; knowing a person’s personality so you can frame discussions appropriately, be aware you should wait a couple of months before talking with someone who has lost a loved one, and understand most people do come to terms with death and dying if their condition and time permits.
“A lot of people haven’t thought about (death and dying) until the moment arrives,” Dr Paul said.
“Human beings are like that.
“When you get faced with life-threatening conditions then you definitely put more thought into life.
“I can tell you that from personal experience!”
*Please note: I am not a doctor and the advice in this article is general in nature. Please contact your doctor or health professional for help that suits your specific circumstances. Further resources: Beyondblue, Lifeline Australia.
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I hope these writing tips will keep you moving steadily towards finishing your memoir. I always love hearing what works for different people. Drop me an email.
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This article first appeared on the website Forever Young Autobiographies.com.
