Painful stories: How to write about sad memories + hard conversations

Painful stories: How to write about sad memories and hard conversations. Golden shafts of sunlight shine on a wheat field. Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

3 ideas for approaching and exploring painful memories in your writing

First published May 19, 2018: This article has been updated and improved.

Australia recorded its most deadly day for coronavirus deaths last week.

Certainly it is such a scary time for all of us around the world as the pandemic takes hold in successive waves.

The new normal feels sombre and has me thinking about important memorial days such as Anzac Day.

Likewise these can bring up sad and painful stories.

Wars and the loss of a loved one are difficult topics to address in an autobiography, memoir, biography or a life-story interview.

Many do not know how to sit down and write about or approach such stories no matter how much they want to.

But this doesn’t mean painful stories should be left out of writing stages.

Some memories, even painful ones, need to live on, be understood and learnt from.

Here are a few tips to help keep you writing when you come to painful stories …

An earlier video on this topic was first published here.

Remember your why for painful stories

Last Remembrance Day my family and I attended a local memorial ceremony.

Afterwards my young daughter and I went to look at the servicepeople’s plaques and she impulsively ran and picked some wildflowers to pop in the flower holders.

Nearby was an older lady arranging sprigs of rosemary at her husband’s plaque.

She watched my girl and came over to us.

Through tears she told me about her husband, where he served, how he died decades ago and a bit about his life.

Although we had never met she clearly had a desire to share her story.

Indeed, sometimes it is reflecting on this idea of preserving and sharing someone’s memory that will help you keep writing when encountering painful stories.

So while I am not a counsellor, coming back to ‘your why’ and what motivated you to start this project can often be enough to help you see the bigger picture and keep going.

Certainly this could be to convey facts and key information, gain fresh perspectives or insights about your life or complete a record that will be treasured as an heirloom.

Related article – Why write: Why is writing important and why do we write

Coaching Calls Forever Young Autobiographies. Open hand outstretched over sparkling water.

Give yourself permission

Everyone’s life is a mixture of joy and sadness so naturally a life story should have ‘light and shade’ too.

Therefore it is important to remember this because your readers will twig if a life story comes across as all sunshine and rainbows.

Rather they will greatly appreciate one that is honest and heartfelt.

So give yourself permission to talk about all things in your life, even painful stories.

After all, if this project is for immediate family members, they are already on your ‘side’.

Most importantly it is very unlikely they would think less of you for being open, vulnerable or sincere about life’s challenges and hardships.

Write about painful stories for yourself

I recently read a powerful extract from We Are Here: Talking with Australia’s oldest Holocaust survivors by Fiona Harari.

The elderly men and women featured in the book went through horrific times in their youth that many said they found hard to talk about, even decades on.

Certainly this can be the case for others about numerous painful stories, not just war.

Importantly it takes time, like some of these Holocaust survivors, to be able to write or talk about raw stories.

Sometimes you won’t be able to write or talk about such things for other people and that is okay.

And if you are interviewing a loved one about their life and strike a hard topic, by all means ask politely but be prepared they may not want to talk.

As I detail in the Your Family Stories System, this is totally fine too!

In this case a short sentence or comment might be all that can be managed.

Another idea is to write a letter for your eyes only, detailing what happened.

As a result this could help you release and process painful stories in a ‘safe’ way.

Indeed writing for yourself can be a powerful even cathartic act.

So don’t be surprised if it helps you have a change of heart down the track about what to include in your life story.

Final say: Painful stories

In conclusion, being sensitive and respectful about difficult or painful stories is important.

This is the case whether you are writing about them yourself or compiling them for a loved one.

Of course they may be hard to record on many levels but this does not mean they should be overlooked or forgotten entirely.

So to help you get these down: remember the important reasons why you started writing, acknowledge your readers are on your side, and know it is only natural some memories take privacy and time to work through.

Happy writing and stay safe everyone.

*Please note: I am not a doctor and the advice in this article is general in nature. Please contact your doctor or health professional for help that suits your specific circumstances. Further resources: Beyondblue, Lifeline Australia.

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This article first appeared on the website Forever Young Autobiographies.com.